Tuesday, May 17, 2011

You know it's love when it's 10:00 pm and he's at Target buying you tampons

I want to take a poll. I want to make up a really scientific poll that asks women one important question: "How do you know your man loves you?" I bet I would get all sorts of profound, heart soaring answers that would make me cry, sigh and shoot my husband dirty why don't you do that?! looks.

Love is a very complex thing. Some may argue that you can't even effectively articulate what it is. Even the Gods struggled to quantify it.
 But I think I have them all beat. Yes, I dare come forward and say I know what love is.

Love is being in your PJ's on a rainy Monday night watching the game, getting ready for bed and hearing your wife shriek from the other room-- "Oh crap!!! I am out of my super expanding lifeboat overnight pads!!" and with only a defeated sigh, get up off the couch, get your coat and go to the store to buy her some. That's right ladies; I'm going to say it-- it all comes down to absorbency. The reason I am so sure of his love is not because of our shared life together, our connected hearts, our family- it is because of my feminine hygiene products.

I am fairly confident the dread of buying tampons, pantiliners and pads is something that men are born with, right there with more muscle mass and in most cases, hairier upper lips. The absolute deer in the headlights fear, middle school-octane embarrassment, alarm, the Oh my God will anyone see me at the check out line panic that our guys have when buying "the stuff."

There are varying degrees and category's of this. For example:

Pantiliners are on the lower scale of the terror alert for guys. They can hide the pack under and amongst their Maxim and Men's Health magazines. And make no mistake; their purchase of both Maxim and thong pantiliners together make them feel about as cool as Shawn Cassidy in 1977.

Tampons are presenting less of a shock and awe reaction these days. He may never like getting them, but it's relatively O.K. because the guy next to him has them in his basket too.

 But the knock down, cut you off at the knee's, biggest Mother of all mortifying purchases is the heavy, heavy, super elephantine extra wings to land a 747 ultra sponge, soak up a lake OVERNIGHT PADS.

Diapers in a box.

Fill up a landfill with just one pad.

Oh yes, the big ones.

  There is no way out of the tornado with this one. Nope, nothing cool, no thong time here. Just a nice chap trying to hide your Grandma king size package with his poor little Maxim. And please know he is going to bump into:
His boss.
The principal of your kids school.
The mechanic.
 His running buddies.
His new client that is just getting to know him. Oh, but he knows him now. Yes, he knows more than he wants to about him now.

Hopefully he sees what I see, a man who puts others before himself. A man of great capacity. A man who does not care if he goes over a bridge on the way home because he has a flotation device in his grocery bag.

When I was younger I used to think love and romance were sweeping unspoken hot passionate looks and embraces, sunsets and you and me against the world moments- ala' Say Anything (cue John Cusack image with boom box over head, under window--sigh) As I march towards forty I see what it really is, in all it's blazing glory; true love. Wrapped up neatly in a enormous bag of Niagara cushions for your hoo-hoo.


  1. Nailed it! I can tell you there may be those who have all the magic and wonders of fireworks and swooning, but this "no whiner, no questioning if you are for real" guy is a keeper! "Stand by Me" is worth way more in the end! Love your descriptive way of calling a spade a spade! ; )

  2. Oh thank you! You have also made my hubby smile :-)