Saturday, April 23, 2011


No Olivia, I won't color my hair.

I won't mask the silvery glitter, the thick, curved strands of time that refuse to be tamed.
I will let them be who they are; full, like my life has been.

No, Olivia, I won't sit in a chair for hours on end, debating color choices named for lattes, filling my lungs with a smell of a factory not yet shut down...but should be.

I will be in the woods. I will be dreaming, conjuring up who I will be. Next.

No Olivia, I won't pull or tug my face into the face of someone else.
I will hold on to each line, I will kiss them with fingertips each morning; grateful for what they have taught me, living with them like the companions they are.

No Olivia, I will not mourn or cry for the body I don't have.
I will not curse my thighs or the way my hips sway. My thighs root me, holding me up when the world seems determined to keep me to a stumble.
I will not have the breasts of the latest model, and Olivia, I will not care. I will look at my breasts with their gaze downward, with awe and gratitude of a Mother, that the first taste in your mouth; the milk they miraculously provided.

No Olivia, I will not starve myself to shrink my stomach.
My stomach carried you suspended in air for so long; I still remember what it felt like to have you stir within me. Why would I ever want to make that smaller? The softness reminds me.

No Olivia, I will not look at the magazines in the grocery aisle. I will turn from them like Brussel sprouts.
I will not believe their lies that my world would be better if I was:
Taller. Thinner. Bigger in my lips but shrunken in my soul.
No Olivia, I won't let them get through, they will not have me.
I will wear jeans that don't crush me.
I will wear red lipstick that is way too much for me.
I will sleep even when I know I could be doing
I will tell people what I think. And sometimes, with no trace of a diplomatic smile.
I will be outside everyday no matter how chilly, how hot, how rainy, how fierce.
I will believe until I know I shouldn't. Then I won't. It won't take me years to figure it out.
I will remember time is short.
I will not wish away ANYTHING.
I will not put up with any crap. From anybody.
I will saywhatIneed. saywhatIneed. saywhatIneed.
I will remember my purpose in this world is not to be endlessly beautiful, captivating, "interesting" or good in bed.
I will stand on my Mother's shoulders, her tiny, fragile, weighed down shoulders that could not support her frame or her spirit and I will,

I will do something, different.


  1. OMG... I love it~ I gave in and became a dyed head for about 20 years? Could it have been that long???
    Now, I am only a few hairs away from being totally gray, and I am beginning to wear it, on some days, like a banner of "been there, done that." The miles on this body are definitely expressing themselves, and I am adjusting, sometimes with a lot of self-talk. Your confidence inspires me ... not to whine and wish and feel remorse for what my body has become... thanks, m'lady!

    Funny enough, my reasoning to stop with the color had to do with anticipated reduced income. I felt it was part of my "costume" for my job. NO MORE; as of May 20, I am free from all of those pressures! I have resigned my position at the college... to rest and see what new journey presents itself!

    You are much braver than I was and I am proud of you for that... your post is wonderful... If you can do it, I can do it, show me the way! I am posting a second time as anonymous because I don't want to create anymore accounts, but I bet you know who this is!

  2. OMG love it Lady! Yes I know who you are :-) So much to talk about! Come for tea? Soon? The grays for me are trickling in by the temple. My hairstylist says I have a ways to go and "do I want to start thinking about options now?" Nope. Don't think so. Ha ha!! Tea. Soon please :-)

  3. LOVE THIS. I have undoubtedly earned my gray hair and laugh lines. I'm not so psyched about the frown lines between the brows, but it makes me look like 'Mean Mommy' when i need to. hehehe
    Pam H

  4. ha ha thanks Pam! BTW the "mean Mommy" look is so IN! :-)